November 13, 2011
By Georgianna Donadio, MSc, DC, PhD
Recently, a patient was referred to my practice who was experiencing depression and anxiety. She thought the problem might be nutritional and asked her doctor for a referral. When we began to explore her issues, what she identified as a core problem in her life was that her husband put his mother before her – his wife.
She reported that the son was emotionally tethered to his mother and could not stand up to her. The patient stated that she felt betrayed, rejected and deeply resentful of her mother-in-law and her husband. These were the feelings that were living below her depression.
In researching Whole Health educational material to share with her, I came upon an article that really resonated with her issue. It did not, however, have an author’s name or the date it was written on it but the book referenced below is written by psychotherapist Patti Henry, M.Ed, L.P.C. I believe this is a little talked about issue that is far more prevelant than we realize. Hope you find it as helpful and interesting as I have.
“There are many reasons why a husband puts his mother on a higher level than his wife, but I have found the most prevalent, by far, is emotional incest. Emotional incest occurs in childhood when a child’s emotional self is unwittingly violated.
More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “golden child” sets the child up to feel special. (Sometimes this happens to more than one of the male children in the family.)
This happens when the energy in the parent-child relationship gets mixed-up and, rather than the parent taking care of the child’s emotional needs, the child is somehow responsible for taking care of the emotional needs of the parent.
Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”
Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.
I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her. If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it.
If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book.
It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.”
And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.
Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.
I wish you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it every day. You can, too.
May this holiday season bring you love and peace.””
With all good wishes,
Georgianna
October 27, 2011
By Georgianna Donadio, MSc, DC, PhD
Here is a very interesting bit of research. Although I have shared this information on a national blog I write for, the information was so interesting that I wanted to share it again, here with you.
Last year there was a study conducted at the University of Kentucky, College of Arts and Sciences, that was examining the connection and possible overlap between physical pain and emotional pain. This particular study had 62 participants who were filling out the “Hurt Feeling Scale”, a self-assessment tool which measures an individual’s reaction to distressing experiences. In addition, the study was using doses of the active ingredient in Tylenol, acetaminophen, as art of its protocol.
The researchers separated the study volunteers into two groups. The first group, after filling out their self-assessment tools, were given 1,000 mg of the acetaminophen. This is a dose that is equal to one Extra Strength Tylenol. The control group however, received a placebo instead of the acetaminophen.
The finding from this study showed that the control group without the acetaminphen, after three weeks, did not experience any change in the amount of intensity of ”hurt” feeling during the three week period. However, the group that did receive the active ingredient reported a noticeable reduction of “hurt” feelings on a regular, day-today basis.
The outcomes were so interesting that the researchers started a second study cohort group of 25 different volunteers, but this time upped the amount of acetaminophen to 2,000 mg daily and added computer games that were designed to create social rejection and a feeling of isolation in the participants. Also new to the study was MRI scanning which were able to identify when the participants had feelings of social rejection occur.
Now here is the “gold” of this research – the outcomes demonstrated that the area of the brain where emotional discomfort is felt is the same location that the physical pain is experienced in. This would explain why the group that was taking the acetaminophen, while having not physical pain, reported less feelings of hurt and rejection than the group that was not taking the acetaminophen but rather a placebo substance.
Geoff MacDonald, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Toronto who is an expert in romantic relationships, co-authored this study. MacDonald states that our brain pain centers cannot tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain.
So, while Tylenol is not recommended to be used routinely as it can lead to liver and digestive system disturbances, knowing that it can take away the pain of a broken heart, it may soon be that our therapists as well as our physicians will recommendation that we “take two Tylenol and call me in the morning” for heartache as well as for headache!
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/227298.php http://web.psych.utoronto.ca/gmacdonald/Research%20Interests.html
With all good wishes,
Georgianna
Copyright 2011, G. Donadio All Rights Reserved
September 11, 2011
By Georgianna Donadio, MSc, DC, PhD
When a couple desires to have a child together and they are unable to conceive, it can be a time of great stress and upset for both partners. The inability to conceive, and the resulting longing that accompanies it, can be one of the most painful and difficult things a couple can experience together.
A number of years ago, in the New England Journal of Medicine, an article appeared that caught my eye because at that time there were a significant number or couples in my practice who were experiencing infertility. The article stated that often, regardless of the advances in medical technology and the various in-vitro methods available, a woman will ony become pregnant when her body is ready to carry a conception to term.
This wisely suggests that there are a number of reasons a woman may not conceive when she wishes to; and that the body’s innate intelligence knows when the best time and condition for a successful conception and birth of her baby is. The article also went on to say that stress is the number one reason women do not conceive when they wish to.
This is well demonstrated with women who adopt a baby when they cannot conceive, settle into motherhood, only to find that they are pregnant – something they or their doctors did not think would happen. The discussion of why women, in other cultures, become pregnant more easily that women in the US always leads back to our lifestyle and the abundance of stressful living we have in the US.
How does stress actually cause infertility? Here are the facts -
1. When we become stressed for periods of time, our body must make more cortisol, an adrenal hormone that deals with stress adaptation.
2. To provide this additional cortisol, the body diverts the production of sex hormones into the production of cortisol. This reduces fertility. Under stress, sex and reproduction is the first thing the body ignores.
3. Excess levels of cortisol interfere with oxytocin, the hormone required for fertile egg implantation in a woman’s uterus lining.
4. Excess stress over time suppresses the immune function as well as interferes with healthy digestive function that can lead to malnutrition.
If you or someone you know wants to conceive and is having a difficult time, they may greatly benefit from becoming familiar with this information and finding ways to decrease their anxiety about becoming pregnant, or reduce their lifestyle that may be causing high levels of physical stress.
With all good wishes,
Georgianna
Copyright 2011 G. Donadio
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